Dear Jessica,
Why do I keep getting men who only want to hook up? Even the nice guys who seem to have potential ghost me.
Sincerely,
Ghosted and Afraid
Hi Ghosted,
Usually, when I hear someone notice that they can’t seem to nail down a partner who wants to take things further, even if it means onto a second date, I have to question the selection methods. In other words – what qualities are you seeking, subconsciously or consciously, in your partners?
I’ve heard the theory that we tend to seek out partners who emulate similar qualities/traits as people we dated in adolescence/young adulthood. If that’s the case, we’re evolving as a person as we age, but our choice in partners is significantly lagging behind. So let’s start with what these men have in common. Are there common denominators, even if they present as ‘nice’ initially, that categorize them as the type you may usually go after because they demonstrate some familiarity or resemblance to past partners?
Once you self-psychoanalyze and reflect a bit on what is subconsciously drawing you to the men you choose, you may be able to discover a pattern. Another thing to pay attention to is whether or not they share a quality or qualities with a male person of authority in your life and if so, is or was that relationship healthy?
Lastly, how do you feel about relationships? Are you looking for something serious? What is the longest relationship you’ve had? How have past relationships ended? Suppose trauma is associated with any past partners or relationships. In that case, even if you consciously want to meet a new partner and go the long haul with them, it could be that you are self-sabotaging your chances of meeting someone healthy out of fear of abandonment/rejection, so you pick partners who will preemptively do that before you develop an emotional attachment to them.
Sometimes the general rule is ‘he’s just not my type, and that’s ok, because when we deviate from our ‘usual’ then sometimes we find alternative qualities and traits in partners that we hadn’t previously, and they actually turn out to be much healthier for us than with what we were familiar. So try selecting your partners based on qualities they possess that may be different than what you’re used to. Maybe you’ll find someone who sticks around for more than one rendezvous or, in the least, can be mature enough to explain his reasons for not wanting to pursue a relationship instead of ghosting you.