There are obviously emotionally and psychologically abusive partners, but what about the more covert type of emotional and psychological abuse or, even harder to detect, emotional neglect?
Wouldn’t all relationships feel comfortable and harmonious if our partners made us feel accepted and therefore loved and confident that the relationship will be long lasting?
How do we know if these issues are present in our relationship?
Does the general sense that your partner creates through statements or behaviors makes you feel unprioritized in his life, second fiddle, generally, a nuisance, or “unacceptable” when you do things to upset them?
Are you left feeling unaccepted by your partner?
What do covert psychological abuse and emotional neglect look like?
Picture covert behaviors, actions, or statements made by your partner that may cause you to feel emotional pain, self-doubt, shame, or guilt. These actions may come in the form of
- intentionally ignoring you when he’s out with a group of friends
- not inviting you directly to be a part of something but casually inviting you by stating, “You can come if you want” when you ask about going
- Or blatantly rude statements when they’re upset with you like, “Go fix yourself” or “I’m so sick of hearing about your daddy issues,” implying that there is something innately ‘wrong’ with you.
Pay attention to whether the last item on this list – rude statements – occur whenever they’re on the defensive for something they said or did.
Of course, no one is perfect, and we all may have made hurtful statements or done things in the heat of the moment that potentially damages the bond we share with our partners. Still, the difference is the intent behind the comment and whether it was malicious and with blatant disregard for your emotions. Whether they’ve occurred once or have been perpetuated over time, these behaviors and statements cause us to feel anxious in our attachment to our partner, which has many ramifications, some of which can last throughout a lifetime if psychologically damaging enough.
Those of us most vulnerable to tolerating a partner’s emotional and psychological abuse are usually individuals who have already experienced narcissistic, psychological, and emotional abuse at some point in our life. We have been treated so poorly and conditioned to have loads of self-doubt and self-loathing that we easily fall victim to accepting blame, shame, or guilt for issues we didn’t cause. When we’ve been conditioned to tolerate abuse and/or emotional neglect in other relationships, it increases our likelihood of accepting and being tone-deaf to our partners’ low standards and expectations because we’ve experienced worse, right? (E.g., “It’s not like they beat me up” or, “He says he’s trying to change” or “I know he does [insert disrespectful behavior here] sometimes, but it doesn’t happen a lot.”)
We make statements to ourselves to rationalize that we’re not all that happy in our relationships or tolerate abusive or neglectful behaviors from our partners. But, if we were to confront those notions? Wait around for real change to take place (and, by the way, wanting your partner to change is probably an indicator that he does not measure up to your expectations or needs) or face the facts that you may not want to be in this relationship, the thought of which brings up a plethora of unappealing tasks, ambiguity, and loneliness that you don’t want to deal with. In a sense, it’s easier to put our blinders on and tolerate the bullshit while feeling anxious about how our partners accept us and treat us the way we deserve to be treated.
When we’re anxious in our relationships, we have a pervasive feeling of instability and lack of trust in our partners. We (subconsciously or consciously) question how we believe our partners are invested in staying with us. This may escalate our anxiety into a persistent degree of hypervigilance which can manifest or result in paranoia that our partner is going to leave us, which causes us to overreact to minor, benign events, usually leading to the demise of the relationship, often leaving you to feel confused, ashamed, self-deprecating, and responsible for the breakup.
Let’s go back to the anxiety-inducing, psychologically abusive statement “Go fix yourself!” in response to a behavior or action you did that caused your partner to lash out. Let’s even make the scenario pretty egregious – let’s say you took his new sports car out, with his permission, of course, and it came back with a scratch on the door from something you grazed upon. Would that be enough to justify how those words would hurt and cause psychological damage? What if you said or did something embarrassing in front of his friends? Or maybe you had a bad day and were complaining to your partner while not considering that he may be having a bad day, too? Bottom line – none of those examples and NOTHING justifies shaming statements made with the intent to inflict emotional or psychological pain. Partners, even in their most angered moments, if supportive and accepting, would express some anger, but that anger should never be used as fuel for verbal weapons that diminish your self-image.
Think about your partner’s level of support when you seek it or how consistent he is with his reliability and promises. Has he ever said anything disparaging about your character? I told you you’re “too needy”? Treated you like a second-class citizen when he’s with friends or coworkers? If so, you may want to evaluate how this relationship affects your self-image and if this partner is genuinely supportive of you. The only real benefit to being in an intimate relationship is to have emotional support and intimacy, so if one or both of those aren’t being fully met, what is the benefit you’re receiving? It’s only when we learn to love ourselves that we command the respect of our partners and refuse to tolerate anything but full acceptance and support from those we choose to have in our lives.