When I see a successful, driven woman who has worked very hard to get where she is in life, my immediate perception is “wow, she must have it all together” or, “I wish I had her confidence”. Meanwhile, below these surface assessments of her character and situation lurks the hidden trauma and adversity that has likely contributed to her overall success which has left some emotional scarring as well as constant anxiety, depression, and a toxic degree of independence which are the predominant captains steering and fueling her successful, accomplished ship.
When we think of someone who has experienced trauma, sometimes we imagine sad, poorly functioning, broken individuals; however, this is a stereotype. One silver lining to experiencing trauma, especially in childhood, is that it can be the catalyst for achieving goals, dreams, and success. It doesn’t mean it’s a benefit to have experienced childhood trauma, but some of us possess built-in coping mechanisms, levels of self-preservation, and self-determination which manifest into emotional shields and armor that we use to ensure our financial and emotional safety
as well as protection of our self-image which, depending on our degree of trauma, has been significantly altered and skewed towards the negative.
Various types of complex trauma in childhood, which include emotional, physical, psychological, and sexual abuse, cause disruptions in our childhood development which, depending on which stage of development we’re in when these events occur, can cause a plethora of effects on our perception of ourselves, others, and the world. Some of these effects result in our adulthood as constant feelings of inadequacy, resistance to asking for help, extreme drive to counteract fears of failure, and fears of losing everything or of disappointing others. Therefore, it’s not surprising that the rates of toxic stress and disruptive mental health conditions among entrepreneurs are 2.6 times higher than in the general population.
While the outcome is such that success is attained, it’s not usually worth the means. According to an article written by Andy Maurer, negative effects of trauma irrespective of degrees of success, include difficulty slowing down or setting healthy boundaries around work, depression, anxiety, burnout, and an inability to connect deeply with others. Additionally, successful women feel a disconnection from others, themselves, and their work. Research shows that trauma obstructs successful women’s most valued assets including logical decision-making, empathy and connection, creativity, confidence, emotional stability, and emotional intelligence.
Children who experience trauma often develop these distractions and engrossing coping mechanisms as a form of self-preservation to block out intrusive thoughts or fears, and this pattern continues throughout adulthood if left unchecked. Successful women often engulf themselves in their work which is often seen as their ‘purpose’ in life, sometimes overshadowing relationships with family, friends, children, and with themselves. Working copious hours or days/week is seen as necessary or paramount to continue to grow and flourish the business, however, what it really does is provide an unhealthy coping mechanism and gigantic distraction from reality and life.
Are you or do you know anyone who is a successful, driven, hardworking woman that may fit this criteria? It may be a good idea to check in with her to see if she needs to take a step back and focus on life or, more importantly, herself. Successful women are often extremely independent and do not ask others for help (another effect of trauma, because it’s difficult to trust anyone well enough to depend on their help) so helping them explore seeking help without pressuring or shaming them is probably a good idea. Even the most successful and independent women among us sometimes need to gain support from loved ones who can see past their tough, resilient exteriors which are often shielding and protecting their vulnerable inner child.