Until recently, there has not been a way to concisely classify the hurt one experiences following traumatic events in an intimate relationship, commonly manifested as finding out your partner has an addiction, had an affair, made financial decisions without you, or just generally found out about a lifestyle that exists of which you had no knowledge or awareness.
The trauma that ensues after finding out about any of these types of issues in an intimate relationship with a partner with whom you thought there was a strong attachment bond causes symptoms similar to PTSD such as severe mood swings, anger/rage, panic attacks, crying fits, needing constant validation and reassurance, difficulty concentrating, insomnia, racing heartbeat, muscle tension, fatigue, and nightmares. However, this type of trauma, termed Relational Trauma Response (RTR), has shown to have two distinct characteristics that are not present in PTSD – reality disorientation and continued exposure to the trauma trigger, which in this case is the intimate partner.
Relational Trauma Response, or RTR, is a concept that describes the traumatic effects one feels following a single or chronic instance of betrayal, abandonment, emotional harm, or refusal of support from an intimate partner with whom there is an attachment bond. Researchers consider RTR “worse than” PTSD because the trauma occurred in what was thought to be a safe environment and a significant source of support. Once a relational trauma occurs, symptoms such as reality disorientation, intrusion, constriction, and hyperarousal begin to manifest.
Reality disorientation is a feeling of “unreality”, dissociation, confusion, loss of a sense of safety, hopelessness, loss of a sense of time and self, loss of confidence, and clinical depression and/or clinical anxiety. Primary reality distortion describes the loss of safety and trust one feels for the partner who betrayed, and secondary reality distortion describes the loss of trust and safety one feels relative to all other relationships due to the trauma experienced. Intrusion manifests as images/memories associated with the trauma such as the moment of disclosure/discovery and re-experiencing of psychological distress from moments leading up to the trauma. Constriction manifests as a feeling of numbness that results from adaptation and coping with the unbearable emotional pain one feels following the trauma. Lastly, hyperarousal is a constant feeling of “being on alert” in order to assess all interactions and future events for ‘danger’ across environments and relationships.
The severity of RTR is determined by factors such as how the discovery was made, the extent of shattered beliefs/assumptions, individual and situational vulnerabilities, the nature of the betrayal, the response of the unfaithful partner, co-occurring mental health disorders, whether or not the betrayal continues, and the degree of autonomy and support the betrayed partner has in order to cope with and recover from the trauma.
RTR, a phenomenon that was at one time described as relationship issues, conflict, or ‘bumps in the road’ in long-term relationships now has a name and description to validate the complex symptoms and behavioral/emotional responses that experiencing these traumas cause. Recovering from RTR can be a long road, especially if not met with appropriate treatment and support. While many therapists understand RTR, it is important to find a therapist who understands that traditional couple’s counseling interventions and techniques aren’t what will remedy this deeply traumatic and complicated combination of emotions. Seeking individual therapy to start with what vulnerabilities and needs are present in you that made you perhaps susceptible to such a betrayal or to a partner capable of that degree of betrayal as well as to better understand how this has affected you emotionally. Working on yourself is paramount to be able to once again healthily engage with your partner, others, and yourself and move toward forgiveness.