As a woman, you’ve achieved financial success, and career advancement, and while you are still evolving and growing (which all of us should constantly be doing throughout our life’s journey), you feel you have largely achieved your life’s goals. So if you’re so good at all of this and have proven to be able to get what you want from life, why is dating so hard? Despite studies and surveys conducted of men who showed that they are into smart, independent career women, the proof is still in the pudding – successful, independent career women tend to have a high degree of struggle with dating. Why is that?
There are several factors to explain the ‘why’ behind this phenomenon. Women who are successful and independent tend to have a more ‘masculine’ energy (to some an antiquated notion, but still very real in terms of mens’ perceptions). This energy can appear forceful and portrayed as a need to derive a sense of control in the relationship which can leave some men feeling emasculated or lacking in utility.
Using this knowledge and awareness, women need to know how to access their more ‘feminine’ energy which will allow them to demonstrate vulnerability and ward off the conditioned need to be authoritative, in charge, and stoic. This means allowing themselves to realize that they are loved for who they are, not what they do as is their identity in their career. In some sense we are not dating to receive love, we are dating to get validation and to achieve something, but we don’t “achieve” a partner.
“We are so used to doing what we do in our workspaces, that when we show up to a date, we’re still doing it. We offer to pay, we open doors, we don’t wait until he reaches for the check”, says Sami Wunder, a relationship coach. When women portray their ‘masculine’ energy, causing them to always lead the conversation or try to impress their dates, they attract partners who are more passive and who may end up feeling emasculated or inferior in contrast.
Studies have shown that dads interact with their sons about achievement, being ‘at the top’, and pride. These forms of self-measurement are impressed upon boys and men subconsciously and, as they get older, they’re not even fully aware that these are the pressures they have or where they came from. This is a valid explanation for the enduring pressure some men feel to be providers. Jenna Birch, the author of “The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love”, observes that until men can provide for a family, they don’t feel comfortable dating seriously or making a lifelong commitment. No matter how much men say they want an equal partner, a woman who’s smart and independent, such women often make men feel emasculated or inferior.
So what should smart, independent, successful women do to improve their chances of finding the right partner?
- Learn to be vulnerable in love, which is understandably hard when you’re in the habit of always having your guard up.
- Learn how to nurture self-love. A woman’s drive for success is sometimes driven by past trauma, abuse, or neglect, and when we start to take a deep look at ourselves, we find that our identities and self-worth are defined by what we do and achieve. Finding your worth in a variety of ways other than achievement lets you learn more about yourself and accept the parts of you that you may be struggling with or avoiding confronting.
- Stop giving to your partner in the hopes that you’ll ‘fix’ them or in the hopes they’ll eventually be the person you need them to be. Seeking out challenges and needing to be a ‘fixer’ can be why strong, smart, successful women can end up in abusive or toxic relationships.
- Stop trying so hard to impress partners that are completely wrong for you, and start attracting people who are right.
- Dispel the belief that ‘if I’m too self-interested, or if I draw my boundaries I will lose a man.’ This may cause you to lose someone, but that shows they weren’t right for you from the beginning.
There are already enough barriers to finding a partner in our modern dating world (e.g., online dating’s flakiness, an abundance of choice, need for instant gratification), so focus on eliminating self-imposed barriers to finding the right partner for you. Remember your value and worth in its totality and break through the identity you have hidden behind, in many cases, to provide a false sense of security in your professional life but which may actually be working against you in your love life.