Emotional Boundaries – What are they?
When is the last time you checked in with your emotional boundaries? It’s something we’re often not consciously aware of, but we practice these boundaries, for better or worse, on a daily basis in all of our interactions and relationships. Emotional boundaries may be the deepest, most confusing psychological issue we face, and they influence every interaction and relationship we have. The simplest way to think of an emotional boundary is a clear line of what IS and IS NOT yours to emotionally deal with. Recognizing boundaries and respecting them is the basis of any healthy relationship. Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, knowing when to share and when not to share, and limiting emotional sharing with people who respond poorly. Respecting emotional boundaries means validating the feelings of others and making sure you respect their ability to take in emotional information.
Emotional boundaries set the stage for our relationships and are initially formed when we are very young children, typically between the ages of 3-4. Whatever boundaries are naturally formed become the reality within which we operate, at least until we mature enough to question it, which usually doesn’t happen until our late 20s or early 30’s if it happens at all. We have found that emotional boundary issues have their root in psychological attachments. These attachments show themselves in self-sabotaging behaviors such as seeking approval which is derived from a rejection attachment.
A rejection attachment gets triggered when we unwittingly seek out rejection from others. When we are determined, through social anxiety, to feel others are automatically rejecting us, we are actually rejecting ourselves, and when we seek to please people because we fear being rejected, we are actually inviting rejection from them. We aren’t consciously aware this is what we are doing, yet the result proves this attachment to rejection because the result is ultimately ending in rejection. Understanding this self-sabotaging behavior allows us to make other choices on how to behave where we are no longer seeking rejection but getting what we consciously want to receive, acceptance.
Healthy Emotional Boundaries
Healthy emotional boundaries are based upon emotional independence, self-care, (prioritizing your needs and goals over pleasing other people), and taking responsibility for your actions. Emotionally independent people have the ability to find validation within themselves instead of others, which creates a healthy level of separation in relationships as emotional independence allows people to freely be themselves. Grounded in authenticity, emotional independence actually strengthens relationships between people and allows a person to leave a situation if respect is not being upheld. Here are some examples of healthy emotional boundaries:
- Saying no to tasks you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do.
- Allowing others to offer help and accepting that help.
- Saying thank you with no apology, regret, or shame.
- Delegating tasks so you don’t suffer from burnout.
- Protect your time by not over-committing.
- Asking for space and using that time to tend to your needs.
- Speaking up if you feel uncomfortable with how someone is treating you or if your needs are being infringed upon.
- Honoring what is important to you by choosing to put yourself first.
- Not absorbing the guilt and responsibility for others.
- Sharing personal information gradually and in a mutual way.
Do you have healthy emotional boundaries?
To spot if your emotional boundaries are not being consistently healthy or you’re allowing others to violate them, keep a check on your feelings. Look around for warning signs which can include discomfort, instability, fear, or anxiety. You might often find yourself doubting your decisions or feel like something is “off”. One example of an unhealthy emotional boundary manifests in the form of ‘people-pleasing’ which reinforces codependency and a host of unhealthy relationship dynamics. The motivating factor of this type of unhealthy emotional boundary causes the perception that prioritizing yourself and your needs is a selfish act. In actuality, taking care of your own emotional needs first shows that you respect yourself, and it encourages healthy social skills, such as communication and self-advocating – both of which are vital in order to obtain a healthy relationship of any kind.
How can you gauge whether or not you have unhealthy emotional boundaries? Identifying this can be among the most confusing of any psychological issue because it is very difficult to self-diagnose unhealthy emotional boundaries. Here are some examples to illustrate what having unhealthy emotional boundaries looks like:
- You walk into a room and believe everyone notices you or judges you. You may even think you know what they are thinking about you, what judgments they cast, and so forth. This leads to terrible self-consciousness and social anxiety.
- You’re unable to distinguish your emotions (that you can control) from the emotions of others (that you cannot control), and you seek to win over others by pleasing them. Craving approval can run your life.
- You have difficulty separating your self-worth from what you believe others are thinking about you, and you are highly motivated to impress.
- When you share your feelings with someone who then criticizes you, it makes you totally shut down.
- You let people lie to, bully, or deceive you.
- You don’t speak up if you feel your needs aren’t being met.
- You accept responsibility, guilt, or apologize for the actions of someone else.
- You don’t value your own perspective and experience.
- You allow a partner to coerce or manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do.
- You allow other peoples’ problems to dictate your life.
- You find yourself dismissing and criticizing your own feelings or the feelings of others.
- You assume you know how other people feel or you tell other people how they feel.
- You “emotionally dump” on people without their permission.
What steps will you begin to take to practice better emotional boundaries?
Remember the instructions that flight attendants give on flights about applying your oxygen mask before you help anyone else apply theirs – including your own children? Why can’t we apply the same principle to our emotional needs? This isn’t a selfish act, but a lesson that we can’t do anyone else any good in life unless we protect ourselves first and make sure our needs are met. Therapy can be an incredibly helpful tool in identifying unhealthy emotional needs and how to improve them; we often cannot think our way out of our own emotional experiences, we need a sounding board.
Ultimately, we teach people how to treat us, so set high standards for those you surround yourself with. Expect to be treated in the same loving way you treat them, and you will soon find yourself surrounded by those who respect you, care about your needs and your feelings and treat you with kindness.