Dear Jessica,
I am a confident, intelligent, and independent woman who seems to attract insecure men. What gives? How can I spot an insecure man before becoming emotionally and physically invested?
Sincerely,
No Scrubs
Dear No Scrubs,
Maybe it’s not you, it’s them?? But really, insecure men are abundant – they are just usually better at hiding it than their female counterparts. So I would guesstimate that you’re not attracting insecure men, but that insecure men tend to put on a front to mask their insecurities, becoming so skilled at it that they can fool even the best of us.
Insecure men often have some red flags that you can pick up on, but sometimes they may take a trained eye to spot. For example, how aloof is he when making plans with you? Does he seem finicky and a bit flaky? Some might categorize it as ‘playing games’ or ‘playing hard to get,’ but let’s be real – a confident, secure man would tell you what he wants upfront, and if what he wants is you, then he’ll make that a priority and cut the shit.
It’s difficult to differentiate or notice, but often insecure equates to immature. If a man is emotionally immature, it’ll be apparent in the amount of ‘adulting’ he does in life (i.e., to start, does he have a clean home, how’s his hygiene, does he have hobbies outside of playing video games, and – gasp – does he live on his own?) If he checks all of those boxes, then the next thing to assess, among whether or not he covers himself in flashy, name-brand attire to attract attention, is whether or not he has the ability to ‘use his words’ to express himself rather than act out behaviorally and passive-aggressively.
Another thing to notice is how much does he trigger your insecurities? Insecure men do not want their partners bypassing them in the security line. Granted, they were likely attracted to you initially because you’re a boss bitch. Still, then their mission soon becomes something akin to “Operation take this boss bitch down a few notches” so that your sense of security (or lack thereof) is more closely mirrored to his or perhaps even lacking more than his.
This sounds like narcissistic behavior – and it may be – but not necessarily. All narcissists are insecure beneath their layers of grandiosity; however, not all insecure people are narcissists. Sometimes insecurity is just one trait of a person, on its own, that causes a person to be condescending, lack in their ability to praise others, and have difficulty putting others before themselves.
Watch out for Mr. Aloof (he can take it or leave it, including a night out with you), Mr. Flakerton (makes plans but can hardly keep them because, well, shiny object syndrome), and Mr. Self-Absorbed (nothing is more important than his body, tan, and hair, after all). These are huge red flags associated with insecure men that, at first glance or maybe even by the fourth date, may seem secure, but would a secure man have to portray an image or keep a woman around who they didn’t seem to value or covet?
Suppose what he’s looking for is arm candy, a mother-like figure to nurture his emotional needs (or do his laundry), or someone who he can condition to be his emotional scapegoat to internally boost his self-image. In that case, he’ll have no issue as there are, unfortunately, plenty of women out there who aren’t emotionally mature or have a stable sense of self. If what you are seeking is someone more lateral to you in security, pay attention to these warning signs and put the kibosh on Mr. Aloof so that you’re more likely to find the right fit for you.