Dear Jessica,
I feel like I attract men with narcissistic tendencies, and I’m worried about being love-bombed. How can I tell if that’s happening?
Sincerely,
Ticking Love Bomb
Dear Ticking Love Bomb,
I’m curious why you may be attracting men with those traits, but I suppose that’s meant for a different post. As for detecting the signs of love bombing – it can be tricky if you don’t think like a bomber.
Love bombing is a term used to describe someone who goes from zero to 100 in their degree of affection, attention, and adoration, which typically feels great to the recipient initially. But all of that attention and devotion masks the insidious goal driving the bomber’s stellar behavior – to entrap you and decrease time with others, often to the point of total isolation from friends and family, and to create a pervasive sense of guilt and obligation to them.
Love bombing feels good – until it doesn’t. In my experience, the love-bombing phase typically lasts anywhere between 3-6 months at the beginning of a relationship, but it’s not unheard of to have it last longer. The longer it persists, the more difficult it can be to terminate the relationship. Who doesn’t like feeling like the center of someone’s world, receiving flowers, going on romantic dates, finding sweet notes, getting gifts galore, and receiving constant attention throughout the day – every day?
This intense level of attention and affection is intoxicating, especially to those who are starved for love and attention or have had romantic injuries. As a result, your self-esteem is bruised, you feel undesirable or feckless in your efforts to find that ‘one true love, and BAM! Love bombing is the fix needed to begin to feel whole again, except it’s based entirely on manipulation which the bomber uses to achieve their goal, which is your emotional dependency and persistent desperation to access that degree of love and adoration you had once received but now have to strive to obtain.
Here are some potential signs that you may be getting love-bombed:
- They tell you how special you are – A LOT
- They torpedo you with calls and texts
- You’ve started to back off, but they keep bringing you back somehow
- They constantly remind you of “how good we are together” when you suspect that you really aren’t
- They seem like the ‘perfect partner,’ which seems too good to be true
- They drown you in gifts
- They can’t stop giving you compliments
- They constantly want your undivided attention and time
- They use the term ‘soul mates’ a bit too often
- They instantly want commitment from you
- They don’t like when you place boundaries and call the shots
- You feel like your life has been taken over
- They constantly need you
- They show up unannounced, more than once
- You tend to feel guilt associated with them
Don’t discount a partner because they treat you well, are attentive, and shower you with affection. Even if they seem like the ‘perfect partner,’ it doesn’t mean they’re manipulative. The key is to notice the consistency in their behavior and how they may be hoarding your time and attention to limit your time spent on activities surrounding what you want to do with others.
Individuals with narcissistic traits who love bomb are only concerned with what they want and how they benefit, so setting boundaries with them, like saying ‘no’ to their persistent requests to spend every night together. Choosing to spend time with a friend over the bomber’s offer to hang out and watch Netflix can help reveal their true personality and intention.
Remember, those who love-bomb come with narcissistic traits and an agenda: do whatever it takes to dazzle and romance you as intensely and quickly as they can before you see their true nature and decide to bounce. Trust your instincts – if you feel uncomfortable, that may indicate that the bombs thrown at you cloud your better judgment.
Jessica