Dear Jessica,
I notice that I often feel like I don’t have an equal voice in my relationships with my partner. I don’t say how I genuinely feel sometimes because I’m afraid of making my partner upset. Why can’t I feel ‘ok’ about my feelings in my relationship? I can with friends and family, why not with him?
Sincerely,
In My Feelings
Dear In My Feelings,
Healthy relationships have three main components: Trust, Respect, and Reciprocity. If you feel you can’t trust your partner enough to convey your thoughts and emotions to him, that’s a problem. When did your perception of not feeling what I would call ’emotionally safe’ with him begin? Was there an incident that set that precedent, or did you always perceive he’d react that way? I only ask because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, maybe this issue didn’t start with him…..
I consider everyone to have ‘Human Rights,’ which includes, among many other things, the right to communicate your feelings, as long as it’s done in a non-harmful manner. For example, has he demonstrated that when you share your feelings with him that it upsets him? Does he express why he’s upset, or does he dominate the conversation, further discouraging you from communicating and reciprocating?
I would suggest having a discussion with him about how you’re feeling. This should probably be done on a day that you and he are relaxed, calm, and maybe even have it scheduled with him, so he’s not caught off guard, decreasing his propensity to activate his defense mechanisms. If he’s not open to discussing, then it sounds like you may have a more significant issue on your hands in terms of your relationship dynamic. However, if he is open to discussing this issue, allow him to express himself and ensure that your feelings are met with validation and kindness.
If, after that discussion, things revert to their previous baseline, I’d say further measures need to be implemented, like, perhaps, couples therapy. The bottom line is that no one should be left to feel unequal in terms of their respect and trust in their relationship. When things are off-balance in those areas, it typically indicates that one or both partners have poor boundaries, poor self-advocacy, and lack of respect – all indicators that this isn’t healthy. You may need to decide once and for all what is best for you and not what is best for the relationship.
Jessica