Dear Jessica,
I have had numerous casual hookups. Some men will kiss me goodbye, and some even want to cuddle, which I enjoy even if I don’t see them again. Recently I met with a guy who became a total jerk after we were done doing the deed, I went in for a kiss goodbye, and he said, “I don’t do romance.” It actually pissed me off quite a bit. Should I be upset about this, or is he just practicing his own boundaries? Not going to lie. It kind of hurt my feelings, which doesn’t usually happen. I wasn’t expecting a relationship, so why do I still feel rejected?
Sincerely,
Rejection Introspection
Dear Rejection Introspection,
Rejection is brutal – no matter how you slice it. Even when we tell ourselves we don’t expect or want anything from the other person after doing the ‘deed,’ I think we (and by ‘we,’ I mean predominantly women) secretly think our sexual prowess is going to turn anybody from a casual hook up to a sex-obsessed fiend who yearns for our luscious female-goodies. Even if this weren’t your expectation, the attitude enveloped in that rejecting statement, “I don’t do romance,” is a bit presumptive and childish (because you were just asking for a kiss, not a 7-day destination to a Sandals resort). It sounds like he’s got his emotions on lockdown so that he won’t even let a woman’s lips penetrate his mouth unless there’s a climax to immediately follow – what does that say about him? This sounded a bit gas-lighty and was likely his reaction to the thought of becoming emotionally close to anyone – not just you. Not to mention, where would we place his emotional intelligence if given an age – sixteen? Twenty-two, if I’m generous?
It sounds like you were definitely desired, and you weren’t expecting this to blossom into a long-term romance, so why the irritation? Do you tend to pick partners that seem emotionally unavailable? Do you internalize rejection because it’s associated with your self-image? Oftentimes, our self-image is fragile. If we have vulnerabilities in life, such as a recent breakup, maybe we just got fired or got a really bad perm. When we’re rejected (even by jerks we really don’t want anyway), we seek reasons to validate our already existing beliefs that we’re not lovable or desirable.
Suppose none of these theories apply to you. In that case, it sounds like you may be projecting negative emotions you have about your propensity, no matter how often, to sleep with men who you know don’t deserve any part of you or who you know you’re wasting your time on. It sounds like, in the least, this guy was inconsiderate and rude in the way he phrased his statement, demonstrating his uncouth and self-absorbed behavior, which is a total turnoff and, had he showed those behaviors before the deed, you probably wouldn’t have let him near you, let alone your mouth. My advice – focus on the parts of the deed that were pleasurable. Remember, you got what you came for, and since he was an immature idiot, he’ll never be able to get it again…….
Jessica