Let’s Talk About Sex[ual Boundaries]

What Are Sexual Boundaries?

With the number of casual sexual encounters that take place in the 21st century, mostly attributable to dating apps and the limitless access of partners they provide, there are constant opportunities in which we can expose ourselves to trauma triggers. These opportunities are dependent on the random selections of partners that we make which are usually based on physical attraction, obviously no measure of someone’s character. With each new partner and experience, we discover different ways in which we and others like to experience intimacy. This is best done through open communication before the intimacy begins, but because sexual urges are animalistic, and sometimes rationality can get lost in these moments, we head toward the pleasure cove without mentioning a word about our expectations, desires, and boundaries.

Healthy sexual boundaries include consent, agreement, respect, understanding of preferences and desires, and privacy. An article by Erin Taylor in Allure magazine quotes Dulcinea Pitagora, a New York City-based psycho- and sex therapist, as saying that “healthy boundaries are a collection of a person’s wants and needs as well as hard and soft limits that combine to support optimal physical and mental health and strong relationships.” But just because boundaries are encouraged and ideal doesn’t mean we all know how to identify or assert them. 

When we feel triggered, uncomfortable, unsafe, used, unstable, or unnatural with a sexual partner or during a moment of intimacy, we should be able to say “NO” to anything that makes us emotionally respond in these ways. Oftentimes, boundaries surrounding sex are only discussed once they’ve been crossed, and sometimes they’re never addressed if we’ve been conditioned to suppress our needs. According to Meg-John Barker, a psychologist, “Very few of us have families, friendship groups, communities, or workplaces which encourage us to tune into and assert our boundaries.”

For example, if we are constantly discouraged from saying ‘no’ or protecting and nurturing our needs, or if our needs and expressions of ‘no’ are repeatedly violated, then we learn that we are not allowed to have boundaries. Harkening back to my recent blog post, “Put Your Boundaries in Check”, there are reasons we don’t assert our needs and implement healthy boundaries such as the fear of being rejected, abandoned, harmed, or disappointing others. We learn to assert our needs beginning in childhood, and when a child is unable to form a healthy sense of self due to trauma, their ability to function in a healthy way in their adult relationships is limited, and they’re more susceptible to experiencing boundary violations, abuse, and harm. It’s important to check into your sexual boundaries to determine if you avoid asserting them for fear of retaliation, violence, or any of the other deterrents listed. Maybe you don’t think you deserve to be able to assert your boundaries, either. Ask yourself if your sexual experiences leave you feeling violated, gross, or wrong, because this may be a sign that you are not asserting your needs, and they’re being violated. 

Healthy Sexual Boundaries Include:

  • Asking for consent
  • Discussing and asking for what pleases you
  • Requesting condom use if you want it
  • Discussing contraception
  • Saying no to things that you do not like or that hurt you
  • Protecting the privacy of the other person

Or Stating:

  • “Do you want to have sex now?”
  • “Is this comfortable for you?”
  • “Tell me what you like.”
  • “Tell me what you don’t like.”
  • “I don’t like that. Let’s try something different.”
  • “I don’t want to have sex tonight. Can we cuddle instead?”
  • “I am really into [insert desire here]. Is that something you would feel comfortable with?”

Trauma Responses During Intimacy

Have you ever had a professional massage and the pressure was so hard that you were in extreme physical pain, but you ‘froze’ at the moment, enduring the pain without asserting it to the massage therapist? This can be a behavioral, conditioned response to trauma, and the same phenomenon can apply to sexual experiences. While it’s no one else’s business as to what trauma we may have endured, it is their business to know what triggers exist for us during sexual intimacy. This is true whether we’re engaging in a casual encounter or with a committed partner so that they cause the least amount of harm. 

Unfortunately, in our society, many men are socialized to be entitled and women are largely under entitled. Research shows that approximately 1 in 3 women has experienced some form of sexual trauma, and trauma survivors often struggle with boundaries around how much they put up with in relationships because their personal boundaries have been crossed so many times. It’s hard to know what a loving and respectful relationship looks like when you’ve never had one. A huge misconception is that someone can’t be sexually violated while in a committed relationship or marriage – WRONG! Wedding rings don’t protect someone’s sexual boundaries and needs, only our voices and assertion of needs can.

Anytime you feel ‘off’, panicked, or overwhelmed during a sexual encounter, it’s likely a trauma response to a previous experience. Since trauma lives in our bodies, we experience physiological responses to trauma before our fight, flight, or freeze response kicks in. This can happen in any form or stage of an intimate relationship. Therefore, even if you’re not conscious of a trigger to a traumatic or adverse experience, it’s safe to say that because your body is having some sort of physiological response to a sexual touch or behavior, it’s likely that it’s remembering a traumatic experience or in the least telling you that you’re not comfortable for some reason. 

Sometimes traumatic responses come in the form of flashbacks or other conscious responses which can heighten the experience of vulnerability and shame, so we have to ground ourselves in these moments by reminding us there is nothing embarrassing or shameful about having an emotional response during sexual intimacy. In fact, intimacy is a common trigger for emotional or trauma responses for many people. 

Here are some examples of ways in which you can tell if you feel a lack of sexual safety in intimacy, whether casual or committed:

  • Sulking, punishing, or getting angry if someone does not want to have sex
  • Not asking for consent
  • Pressure to engage in unwanted sexual acts
  • Unwanted sexual comments
  • Leering
  • Lying about contraceptive use
  • Lying about your health history
  • Criticizing the other person’s sexual preferences
  • Unwanted touch, assault, or rape

The Ultimate Sexual Boundary Goal

It’s great to have all of this information, but how do we know we’re implementing it? The goal is to have a sexual experience where everyone feels safe and comfortable. What are both or all partners’ needs (because, inevitably, they’ll vary)? Once these are communicated, there needs to be a consensus on limits. For example, maybe you like to be spanked, but the degree of force depends on the partner, so if you like a mild degree of pain vs. having a handprint after the deed is done, that all needs to be communicated. If one partner enjoys oral sex but the other partner says no to this act, that boundary needs to be respected and not pushed. If a partner pushes after you’ve asserted your boundaries, this may be a microcosm of how they’ll be throughout your relationship with them. If they can’t respect clear sexual boundaries, what other boundaries are they likely to violate?

Another thing to consider is everyone’s conceptualization of consent. Maybe one person doesn’t mind being kissed and having their rear squeezed impromptu, whereas others might find this triggering and upsetting, wanting to ease into a kiss, knowing it’s coming. These needs would be paramount to explore before the animalistic desires take over and you do something to unwittingly disrupt the intimate flow and disrespect any sexual boundaries and safety. As we climb forward in the 21st century, with the help of the #metoo and other feminist movements, we have to adjust our expectations and behaviors according to the societal and cultural landscape, which is a step forward to having mutual respect and safety in any relationship or interaction. If the idea of sexual boundaries is still perplexing, feel free to leave a comment or message me at jessicahass@theravadawellenss.net to get some clarity and empowerment.