Dear Jessica,
My boyfriend gets irritated whenever I cry. It’s not like I’m crying over a Super Bowl commercial or anything. Usually, it’s in response to arguments we have or when I’m feeling anxious. Why does he get irritated with me when I cry?
Sincerely,
It’s my RELATIONSHIP, and I’ll cry if I want to
Dear Cry If I Want To,
Hearing this unfortunate dynamic is happening between the two of you makes me a little irritated, frankly. Still, it’s hardly surprising – “Feelings bad, me no like” (in my best caveman rendition). This is a potential sign of a couple of things; for one, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t feel comfortable discussing or addressing emotions. Second, maybe his mom didn’t hold him enough as a baby? No, that was mean, but really, why?
Maybe the family he grew up in didn’t promote open expression. We see this in many families, and particularly among the boys/men in families. An emotional response such as irritability or anger is a defense mechanism that indicates that he perceives your expression of emotions through crying as an impediment. So instead of becoming compassionate, vulnerable, or having a good cry along with you, his defense mechanism is raised. He emotionally ‘protects’ himself by projecting anger onto you instead of feeling ‘icky’ emotions.
Is he open to talking about why he gets irritated? I hope so because if you have to be in this relationship without feeling like you can express what you’re feeling in a supportive dynamic, then it’s probably going to 1. Drive a wedge in between the two of you until you break up; 2. Condition you to withdrawal your emotions to protect his feelings, thereby harming yourself, or; 3. Cause you to avoid showing vulnerability with him while seeking that degree of support elsewhere – like in the arms of a more sensitive, soothing man.
Did it ever occur to him that becoming irritated and shutting you down likely causes a higher degree of emotional regression and dysregulation? Bro – hugs go a long way, or even an emotional check-in formed as a question such as, “Wanna talk about it?” Maybe the problem is that he doesn’t want anything beyond surface-level attraction and companionship in this relationship, or he’s not emotionally ready to work on his limitations to make the relationship healthier. Either way, clearly, his behavior is not conducive to your idea of what a healthy relationship should be- which, among other chief aspects, is supportive and emotionally safe.
Jessica