So many women struggle with self-advocacy and self-protection which often stem from not maintaining healthy personal boundaries, which often leads to pleasing others before pleasing themselves. One can be the most badass, successful, educated woman in town. Due to conditioning we all experience to varying degrees in childhood, we can still lack in our abilities to be what we are for everyone else. What do I mean by that?
Personal boundaries and the ways in which we prioritize aspects of our lives are primarily conditioned within us throughout our youth. This is when we’re taught to take care of others (even if it’s to the detriment of our own mental/physical health), we learn to say ‘no’ to things we’re uncomfortable with (or go along with something just for the sake of not seeming rude or causing conflict), and when to focus on nurturing our needs, hobbies, desires, and interests (or focus on parts of life that are emotionally draining and counterproductive like focusing too much on people who don’t have an equal interest in you, or worrying about looking as good in your jeans as that 20-something at your office).
The way we are raised (or conditioned) to absorb, react to, and avoid certain aspects of life bleed through into our adulthood which ultimately affects the way we practice and implement our personal boundaries. There are three primary types of boundaries we all (theoretically) practice and which are affected as a result:
- Emotional (protecting our own emotional well-being)
- Physical (protecting our physical space)
- Sexual (protecting our sexual needs and safety)
Additionally, there are a few other boundaries that psychologists and therapists have identified such as workplace boundaries (protecting our ability to do our work without interference or drama), time boundaries (how effectively we utilize our time), intellectual boundaries (when our thoughts, curiosities, and ideas are dismissed or belittled), and material boundaries (how generous we are with our personal possessions). For all intent and purpose, we’ll be focusing on the three primary types of boundaries which are often the most relevant and detrimental if not practiced in a healthy way.
Guilt – Why do we (especially women) have such poor boundaries when it comes to taking care of ourselves? There are several reasons, chief among them is guilt – does anyone want to claim their behavior isn’t guided by guilt some – or most – of the time……? So many women were raised in families or sub-cultures that expected them to be polite, please others, “be nice” or “attractive”, etc. Saying no or coming off as rude are issues we avoid, sometimes at the cost of upholding our integrity, and dignity, or getting our needs met.
Wanting to Fit In/Belong – Confidence can co-exist with the need to ‘belong’ or ‘fit in’ whether it’s with society, a religious group, or with friends/co-workers. This pressure often leads us to make sacrifices to our needs or change our behavior/choices in ways that don’t favor us but allow us to appease the (oftentimes) false fear of being abandoned or rejected.
Feeling Marginalized – When we feel small, belittled, or marginalized by any one person or group of people, we begin to feel emotionally subservient and inferior in situations which can ultimately lead to making poor choices based on what we think others want or need from us, thereby disregarding our own needs. We stop questioning, “Is this fair to me?” Or “What do I want?”, because the other person’s needs supersede any rational thought we may otherwise have had. Making that person happy is all that we are focused on because we put them in a position of authority and power that they don’t actually have.
FOMO You’d think we’d all outgrow the ‘fear of missing out’ (FOMO) as adults. As adolescents, we find ourselves making internal compromises and engaging in activities just for the sake of ‘being a part of that thing that won’t matter in a week’ or whatever the pull towards our engagement in the activity may be. We agree to do things simply because saying no would make us look antisocial, disagreeable, or an outcast. Feeling too tired to go to that concert you were invited to? Oh well, suck it up, because to not go may mean you’re ‘missing out’…..even though the only thing you may be missing out on is some much-needed self-care.
Fear of Saying No! I have yet to meet a woman who hasn’t experienced this fear (although I’m sure they exist by the 10s…..) Whether it’s fear of saying no to a partner, because you don’t want to disappoint him/her, or you fear saying no to a family member because, well, you just don’t want to hear it (eye roll). Saying no feels just plain wrong sometimes, doesn’t it? Another thing we’re usually pretty awesome at saying no to is activities and routines that would benefit our mental and physical well-being. We say yes to the fried chicken for dinner or the extra hour of TV we don’t need, while we say no to the idea of sacrificing a night of lethargy to go check out that new hobby we’ve been eyeing or the new book club we’ve been meaning to join.
Being Stoic Asking for help is one of the hardest things for people to do. Fierce (toxic) independence is often a sign of trauma, emotional, and/or physical neglect in childhood. We learn that we can’t rely on others or trust them to help anyway, so why ask? Before we know it, burdening ourselves with all the chores, tasks, and duties that we have on a daily basis adds up pretty quickly to equal burnout. Then we’re no good to ourselves or anyone else until we can recognize what we need and how to get it met.
Any of these ring true for you? Then pay attention, because each week this month we want to spend time explaining what each of the primary personal boundaries is by giving examples of common ways we breach them thereby disregarding a degree of not only self-protection but also self-advocacy. If you think you may be able to gain some insight and benefit from tightening up or modifying your boundaries, there will be weekly challenges integrated into our blogs outlining some ideas to sharpen your boundaries and reap all of the awesome benefits that come with doing so.