Whoa, man! Being a single woman in the 21st century should be a piece of cake, right? Youtube tutorials on basic household hacks and repairs, delivery service for virtually any product we need, access to services, help, and support. So why is it so intimidating? For the most part, I stay away from the news, which I like to think significantly decreases my paranoia of crime sprees and other scary trends lurking in my community. Regardless, I can’t help but shake an impending sense that I’m alone, helpless, and scared.
I haven’t morphed into Annie Oakley or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, developed a depilating condition such as agoraphobia (a fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult or that help wouldn’t be available if things go wrong). Still, I do occasionally experience a jolt of panic when I think I have electrical or plumbing issues, need help with heavy lifting or hear an odd bump in the night. What creates this sense of peril when, in reality, every male partner I’ve had has little to no means or capability of helping in any of these situations that, say, my father or grandfathers’ generations possessed?
I like to think of myself as a strong woman, but I had to ask myself, what does that really mean? If I’m so strong, why do I still at times feel as if I’m trapped or drowning if something relatively catastrophic happens, and I just happen to not have a ‘man’ to turn to? What do men offer women that a woman can’t provide for herself? Why are we often left feeling scared, intimidated, or helpless at otherwise benign sorts of events, particularly those surrounding our household and everyday lives? The only conclusion I could draw is that many of us (women) were never instilled with the confidence and wherewithal that we possess the mental and/or physical abilities to accomplish exactly what our male counterparts can – virtually everything.
Problem-solving has long been a skill mainly attributable to men, but this is a stereotype laced in cognitive distortion, emotional reasoning, specifically. Emotional reasoning puts us in a reality where we believe that reality reflects what we think or how we perceive something. If we possess the rationale that we’re helpless without men, it’s because we’ve been coached, in many cases, to think that as women (and former girls), we do not possess the gusto, or cajones, to accomplish certain tasks. For example, emotional reasoning might lead us to believe that our anxiety or fear surrounding a situation is because “I’m not capable” or “I can’t deal with this,” “it’s too much!”. This type of thinking will lead some of us to fold under crisis, seek unnecessary support, or entirely avoid a situation because we feel we’re ‘not able’ to tackle something.
Another cognitive distortion attributing to our distress when autonomous from a male partner is catastrophizing. This way of thinking usually leads us to conclude that we’re doomed, the worst will happen, there’s no way out. We leap to the worst-case scenario, which debilitates us from tackling a situation head-on, at least right away. For example, I recently learned I’m impervious to the smell of natural gas. When someone in my garage commented on the “strong smell of gas” coming from my hot water heater one day, I immediately started catastrophizing. I envisioned a gas explosion lunging my lifeless body into the street and obliterating my house. Then, I finally came to my senses and thought, what’s my next step? I called the plumbing company that installed my hot water heater the year before. Did I need a man to direct me to do this? Of course not, but for a brief moment, I thought, “Where’s my Mr. Handy to help me before my pantaloons get into a bunch?” Exaggeration, but I honestly recall feeling embarrassed that I lacked such confidence in myself to handle this situation autonomously when there was no need to feel that way in the first place.
I’ve learned by being a single woman that there is no task too big – as long as I have a network of support and access to Yelp to locate a service provider, which, quite frankly, many men use, as well. Feeling inadequate or incompetent are feelings that, in my estimation, many women experience, even in this day and age, and there are zero reasons for us to doubt ourselves or our abilities to tackle tasks without the guidance of a male partner. In many cases, I think we can even be the source of support or problem-solvers for others. Even those we may be placing undue admiration, desire, and longing for so that we can displace our own self-doubt and lack of confidence when in reality, we possess what we imagine they have all along.