Some may think that there is an ‘appropriate’ or ‘healthy’ amount of time to mourn the loss of a relationship after a break up, but the aftermath of a relationship and time spent healing is as unique as the person experiencing it. Several factors impact the way we respond to loss of a relationship, and oftentimes, even with support from friends, family, and therapy, the person experiencing the loss has to process and recover from it on their own timeline.
As a therapist, I often hear clients who’ve experienced a break up exclaim, “Why can’t I just move on?!”, or “He’s out partying and living life while I’m so depressed, I don’t even want to go out!”. As adults, we have experienced enough loss by a certain point that we know life will go on, and we’ll meet someone new, perhaps someone even more compatible. This logic doesn’t negate the sometimes devastating effects of losing a partner.
There’s no ‘right or wrong’ way to mourn the loss of a relationship, so why do we compare our mourning process to the standards of others? In part, this may be a form of self-invalidation and a demonstration that you lack self-compassion or understand your emotional needs to some degree. Instead of placing expectations on your mourning process by applying subjective standards based on observations of others (who, by the way, may be feeling just as low as you inwardly), we should use the time spent mourning our loss by applying introspection and truly getting to know and understand our vulnerabilities and emotional responses.
One approach that will help you achieve these goals is by implementing mindfulness skills when reflecting on the loss. Mindfulness is being in the present moment and thinking objectively with as little judgment as possible. When we practice mindfulness to heal from a break up, we become the observer of our thoughts and are able to more logically and realistically evaluate the reason for the loss, which leads to acceptance. Sitting mindfully with intense emotions may seem like the last thing you want to do, but it is a critical step in the healing process.
Another method to gain perspective and engender some self-compassion when feeling the loss of your relationship is to identify what vulnerabilities you came into the relationship with that are contributing to your difficulty in healing from it, such as:
- How much loss had you previously experienced
- Had you healed from those previous losses
- Do you have an inner critic that is creating unnecessary shame and/or guilt
- Was your partner psychologically or emotionally abusive
- Do you tend to lose a sense of yourself in your intimate relationships, making it harder to recover after they’re gone
- Are you placing a high value on a relationship that didn’t warrant it
- Do you access support and develop healthy coping skills (self-care)
- Are you choosing the right partners
- Are your triggers and emotional responses related to abandonment significant enough to be further evaluated by a therapist (Discover our therapists here)
Break ups are a necessary evil, because, let’s face it – not all relationships are meant to last forever. In order to get the most out of these experiences, because there is always a silver lining, they should be used as a valuable tool to develop self-awareness, growth, and emotional maturity. Every person we allow into our personal kingdoms was there for a reason. Even if things don’t pan out with them romantically, they were still a part of your life, your experience, and your continued growth. It’s not helpful to focus on what you had with that person and no longer do, but instead, as yourself what you gained through that loss, and how will you apply what you’ve learned about yourself throughout this process toward having a better relationship in the future.