Dear Jessica: Why do I feel bad about myself if I let a guy sleep with me on the first date?
Sincerely,
Laid and Confused
Dear Laid and Confused:
I’d like to think that since women’s suffrage in the United States took precedent more than 100 years ago, not to mention all of the other triumphant trials and tribulations the female population has fought for to become equal to our male counterparts, that by now we would feel more comfortable and unabated in our approach to sex. But, unfortunately, it seems that our sexuality has persistently remained a point of scrutiny through the eyes of many.
The first thing you should ask yourself is, “Why?” Why do you feel bad, shameful, guilty (insert self-deprecating adjective here)? Is this something I chose to do or felt pressured into doing? If it was by your own volition, then I would ask, “Do you think your male partner feels similar emotions as you following sex?” Not that we’re comparing notes here, but if we’re talking about two consenting adults who chose to engage in (what was hopefully) a ravenously decadent time together, why would such an engagement elicit negative emotions or increase either party’s inner critic? It would be more appropriate and reasonable if recalling these memories provided hours, if not days, worth dopamine shots, increasing our euphoria.
If, however, there was a question to the validity of your degree of consent, then there may be much more introspection needed. First, consider why there may be questions surrounding consent; at what point may your consent has been breached? What were contributing factors to this? Sometimes, suppose we feel pressured in sexual encounters. In that case, it has deep roots in our psychosocial history and life events, some based on trauma, which makes trauma responses occur, causing us to emotionally and/or behaviorally regress and feel/react as if we’re reliving those moments.
Without going too far down the self-psychoanalytical path, I’d ask yourself (or better, yet, get a therapist to ask you) is there a root cause for your adverse emotions such as past victimization, exposure to a high degree of criticism from peers, and/or loved ones, particularly surrounding your sexual development or the stage of development where self-doubt takes shape, or have you been made to feel that the traditions of yesteryear should still apply to our much more accessible and ubiquitous modern-day take on sexuality?
Another thing to consider is were there red flags about him prior to you engaging in sex with him? Maybe the adverse emotions are stemming from familiarity in his behaviors relatable to past partners who were less-than-chivalrous? Identifying and choosing partners with similar behavioral patterns – even scummy ones – is very common. We tend to be subconsciously driven toward those who emulate behaviors we’re familiar with because it’s ‘safe’ and known, even when it’s unhealthy.
It sounds like you have a healthy enough level of self-care to inquire about this topic, demonstrating the willingness to explore and improve your emotional and sexual health. I would suggest this is a highly valid reason to seek therapeutic support and determine what really is bothering you.
-Jessica